Example Analysis


by “John Doe”



I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised by your ability to write a compelling and enjoyable story with identifiable, unique characters; however, there is a lot of work for you to do to make this project marketable. Some of the characters need to be more fully developed, but your biggest areas to address in a rewrite are in formatting and continuity which are fairly easy things to fix.

Your script is being returned to you herewith. You will notice that there are notes written directly in your script on most of the pages. These notes are either in the form of a strike out (strike out) which means those words should be eliminated or in blue or red ink. Blue notes refer to comments or questions on a given scene or dialogue as well as suggestions for possible fixes you might consider. You will also find Blue notes on the pages of this analysis. The red ink notes signify corrections I already made due to missing words, grammatical errors, misspellings, formatting errors, spacing errors and improving  clarity for the reader.

As you go through the script and the pages of this analysis and read the blue notes, allow me to remind you that my suggestions for changes are only that and not chiseled in granite. You may have better solutions or ideas for the issues I make, and you should use whatever suggestions work best for you.  

  1. THEME:

The overriding theme that I came away with is committing to another person is a scary thing, but a life worth living is full of risk, and that in matters of love, one should go with their heart.


In this analysis, I will only be addressing those characters from your script who play major roles and/or those who I feel needed additional work or better definition. The other characters serve the story well and are fairly well-developed.


  1. ELISE has beauty and many strengths, (brains, ambition, cunning  and has surprising abilities), but she also has weaknesses (lack of trust and fear of commitment) which make her interesting and relatable.  But, there is also a mystery or lack of clarity about her past which left me wanting to know more.  I will enumerate my reactions to ELISE as the development of her character unfolds in the script.  You need to identify ELISE a bit more than just quoting her age when she is first introduced so that the reader can form a mental image of her.  Since it becomes apparent later in the script that she is strikingly beautiful, then state that up front.  This note also goes for key players in the story.

2. ELISE created a top-notch computer program for protecting security systems and downloaded the program on a pink flash drive.  This program was to be her ticket to a successful and lucrative business, but where, how or why did she leave it in her office for Nancy or ROGER to get it?  I think you would need to show her securing it in a safe place before she left to meet with MR. COPE.  She would be able to demonstrate her program to MR. COPE, if needed, because the program would also be in her computer, which she would always have in her safe keeping.  However, she wouldn’t just leave the flash drive out on her desk.

3. It appears that ELISE was a hacker “and did some damage in the past,” but it is unclear that she did anything criminal.  We learn later that she can crack a safe, is very capable of conning people and thinks nothing of breaking and entering.  She’s also highly skilled with a gun and can fight like a man. So did she use these skills in a criminal capacity?  Where did she learn these things and why did she learn these things?  I could understand her having these skills if she were in training for the FBI or the CIA, but if that was the case, what went wrong?  You kept referring to her so-called dark past and being on the other side of security and her bad mistakes, but it was never clarified what she actually did.  If she actually was a criminal, then the reader would have all kinds of questions about whether she was caught, did she serve jail time or did she cut a deal…none of which you answered in the script.

4. I don’t really “buy” the maid giving ELISE the room key no matter how cunning or smooth ELISE can be or how much she would pay her. ELISE could be a thief for all she knows, and the maid could become an accessory to a crime and lose her jobIt might be best that ELISE accesses ROGER’s room when the maid is cleaning it.  She could walk in and say that it’s her and her husband’s room.  That she has a migraine and could the maid just leave the bed unmade because she needs to lie down.  If you leave it your way, then when ELISE runs out of ROGER’s room and approaches the Maitre d’, she would still be in the maid’s uniform.  Also, I don’t believe that ELISE would have brought or had access to a black wig.  You have to make these two scenes more credible.

5. Why is DANA so sure that only ELISE can get them out of the safe room … what does she know about ELISE that the reader will not?  Again, this question goes to ELISE’s background which is still unknown by the end of the script.  Perhaps she was FBI trained, but was lured by a start-up, security company that offered her a deal she couldn’t refuse, but then found out they were more involved in nefarious activities as opposed to being legit. She might have thought the hacking she was doing for them was to “test” their programs or the programs she would create, but then learn that they were using the info she gleaned to crush other companies and line their own pockets. When she finally realized that she was engaging in criminal activities, she wanted out and messed up one of their most successful programs so they would fire her.  Just a thought…)

6. ELISE is needlessly rude to David when she demands that he take her to the TWO FINE IRISHMEN pub, so I suggested a way to soften her approach to him.  You don’t want her to appear unlikable.

7.  When ELISE gets herself and David past the bouncer at the pub, we never learn what she said to him.  You missed an opportunity to have David and the reader marvel at her abilities but also to get another laugh by not telling us what she said. 

8. I am torn about whether you should play the scene when ELISE goes into DAVID’s master bedroom and gathers things to steal out of pique.  Keeping it in would depend upon what you do in exposing her past.

9. ELISE must come clean about her past to DAVID in the end in order for him to have a reason to trust her.  As the script is currently written, he states to her that she has done nothing but lie to him so why would he trust her in a relationship? 


  1. You have to make DAVID a film director, not a TV director.  A TV director wins Emmys not Oscars.  Also, film directors generally make more money than TV directors (unless the TV director works non-stop on multiple shows over many years).  And, film directors have much more notoriety and would therefore be more easily recognized and would more easily draw big feature film talent like Will Smith to his benefit.

2. How does DAVID feel about KAT?  You need to clarify DAVID’s relationship with her by the end of the story…not just for the reader but for ELISE as well. 

3. This note has already been somewhat alluded to above in the analysis of ELISE’s character. DAVID has to finally believe that ELISE will be truthful to him in the future or he would appear to be only driven by lust.  Having him accept that she has done nothing but lie to him but still want to be with her in the end diminishes his character.  However, he must also demonstrate to ELISE that he can now be trusted as well. You have him professing his love for her, and he should assuage her fears about his future relationship with Kat; however, can he change his ways?  He says he’s willing to fight for her, but what about his partying and boozing?  


  1. His character is not well-defined.  I don’t know what he looks like or if he is a younger or older brother or even if he likes women. 

2. How does PAUL really feel about his brother? Is he proud of him?  Does he worry about his lifestyle?  Does he wish he’d settle down?

3. When PAUL asked DANA a lot of questions about ELISE, it seemed that he was attracted to her, but he never acted on it.  Is it possible that he is gay and just curious about her?  Also, you don’t see him chasing any women at the Irish pub or the engagement party.  He seems oddly asexual which raises too many questions by the reader and those questions can slow the progression of the story.   

4. It appears that PAUL lives in the same house with DAVID.  Why is that? He’s a grown man, so why doesn’t he have a place of his own?  Does he help his brother in some way?  What does he do for a living?  Just about every successful Hollywood entertainment professional (director, star, studio executive) has a business manager to help keep track of the money they earn, pay the bills and even invest the money to make more money. I suggest that PAUL be DAVID’s business manager who also lives there at the house to manage the upkeep since DAVID is gone so much of the time making movies.


This note is just a compliment.  I like the fact that RYAN is African American. It helps to broaden the appeal of a movie when it reflects actual, contemporary society.


The reader is expecting that MR.COPE would have made a decision  about going with ELISE’s security program by the end of the story…maybe not by the end of the weekend… but certainly by the time she sets up business in the end.  The reader needs to have some closure on this issue since ELISE had worked so hard on the program and it was the opportunity with MR. COPE that brought her to L.A. and caused the rift between her and ROGER. Besides, it elevates ELISE’s character if she is successful in developing a program that MR. COPE  wants to have for his bank.   


The story was told from ELISE’s POV predominantly, and I had no issues of split focus which can happen in a romantic comedy.   


You will note that I have written a number of notes in blue ink on the pages of your script where I didn’t quite understand the dialogue and it needed much more clarity.  Some of your speeches were just too long making it harder for actors to learn their lines, but more importantly, making it harder for audiences to sit through.  Romantic comedies especially, should have short, snappy and when appropriate, humorous dialogue.  Long speeches are really a no no.  There are few exceptions to this rule, and that is generally when a character is telling a story to another character or informing the other character about their background…and even then, shorter is better.  Most of the speeches that I took issue with can be distilled down to their bare essences, and you will see where I put lines through the part of the speeches that should or could be dropped.  Other than that, the dialogue was good and serviceable.  

  1. For the most part your exposition was clear and minimal, both of which are appreciated by readers and buyers of screenplays. 

2. You will see a number of notes pertaining to the exposition under FORMATTING below, so I won’t address them here.

3. There were times that you left out necessary exposition and stage directions for the actors.  This note, too, will become evident when you see the blue ink notes within the script.

  1. ACTION: 

There isn’t a great deal for me to impart on this heading here as I would if this piece were an action-thriller or action-adventure where there is a huge emphasis on the action on screen.  However, although your script doesn’t fall into the action genre, you have nicely incorporated action sequences that take place under dialogue (the golf cart episode is one, the bar fight another) as opposed to a series of staid, talking heads.  Obviously, it is more interesting visually to see your characters drive down Pacific Coast Highway or get dunked in the ocean than to have them sitting at a table in a restaurant.  Again, I compliment you on thinking and writing visually interesting scenes with action underpinning the dialogue.      


There is conflict aplenty in your script. It starts with ELISE’s anger and perception that ROGER has used and abused her and stolen her program for his own gain.  But this situation with ROGER is really the B story since the main conflict is with DAVID to whom she is obviously attracted but who has a reputation for being a player and boozer.  You could say that ELISE has trust issues with men, since DANA alludes to the fact that ELISE always runs away from relationships with the men in her life.  However, when she witnesses ROGER with MR. COPE and the fact that he had possession of her program on the flash drive, she obviously has good reason not to trust him. And, with DAVID, she sees how women gravitate to him and how he “hangs out” with women draped all over him, and then there is his relationship with KAT.  He may be just too good-looking and successful for his own good. And, he commits questionable if not damning actions when he has had too much to drink.  No wonder she runs away.  Thank heavens you also embued DAVID with some positive characteristics to outweigh the negatives.  DAVID and ELISE come from very different backgrounds and have very different lifestyles.  He apparently came from a very stable home life, although he was traumatized by the death of his other brother, but his parents and PAUL were there for him.  ELISE was a single child and had no stability in her life traveling on the road with her mother until her mother left her at her grandmother’s.  And, in their current careers, she is struggling to make her company make a go of it, and DAVID is living large due to the success of the films he has directed.  On the face of it, they wouldn’t seem to be a good match, but there is always animal magnetism along with admirable traits in both ELISE and DAVID that draw them together.  It is apparent that both of these characters are very attracted to one another, but each of them has to get over the distrust of the other or their future relationship is doomed. Therefore, I repeat that ELISE has to “come clean” with DAVID but also DAVID must demonstrate that ELISE can trust him; otherwise, your conflict is not resolved.                 


Emotional dynamics are necessary to make a story more compelling. I usually address this issue when a script lacks emotional dynamics and then I make suggestions where to add them or increase them, but your script has plenty of emotional dynamics, not just with your lead characters, but with ROGER and DANA as well.


Your story contains the quintessential plot of “girl meets boy, girl loses boy, girl gets boy back.” Additionally, you have the subplot that deals with whether ROGER has “ripped off” ELISE’s work and will she get MR. COPE’s business in the end.  What many scripts lack are surprises and twists or turns which I will allude to below; however, you have incorporated them nicely in several places in your script.  Again, you are to be commended for this.

  1. What a surprise it was to have ROGER show up at the Beverly Hills Hotel to meet with MR. COPE after telling ELISE he was back in Chicago.  And, it was a further surprise that he had her pink flash drive in his room’s safe.

2. The second twist was when ROGER showed up at DAVID’s home and seemed to have a very rational and credible explanation as to what happened with ELISE’s program.

3. The third twist was to have DAVID show up at ELISE’s apartment to profess his feelings for her.  And part and parcel to this twist is that he leaves her apartment out of frustration, but shows back up again to confront her and press her to accept him back in her life.

4. And, the last twist was that she didn’t marry or move in with ROGER after all.         


The structure of your story is good, but you have to work on your continuity. Lack of continuity can confuse the reader and cause your story (or characters) to be less credible or believable.  You will see blue notes on the pages of your script where I caught your mistakes in continuity, but I will list a few examples here to give you an idea of what I mean. 

  1. In the first phone conversation between ELISE and DANA, ELISE was leaving for the restaurant to meet DANA for lunch, and then she stated that she would meet her there in two hours because DANA was delayed in order to pick her parents up from the airport.  Therefore, ELISE must have had the address.  Then instead of meeting at the restaurant, you have DANA picking ELISE up in her car on the street and not going to lunch.  This is confusing.

2. You have ELISE in disguise with a black wig and a maid’s uniform when she runs out of ROGER’s room after she struck him and then she approaches the Maitre D’ in the restaurant of the hotel and states she was meeting her fiancé….wearing a maid’s uniform?  And, where would she have gotten the black wig?

3. ELISE left her luggage behind a potted plant in the hallway near ROGER’s room at the Beverly Hills Hotel when she approaches the Maitre D’ and meets DAVID.  When or how did she retrieve it? 

4. You wrote that RYAN and DAVID drove up in a truck when ELISE and DANA were stuck on Pacific Coast Highway, but when they get out of it, you refer to it as a car.  How about using an SUV? 

5. The bar that DAVID goes to and to which ELISE and PAUL go to is first referred to several times as TWO IRISHMEN, then later you refer to it as MULDOON’S.  

6. How would DAVID know where to find ELISE if DANA didn’t even know if she was in Chicago or Charlotte?

7. I got the impression that the Engagement Party was to be held the night after DAVID’s benefit, especially when DANA outlined the program for the weekend for ELISE.  But what I understand from reading the script is that the the Engagement Party takes place two nights after the benefit.  

As you can see by the few examples above, you need to be more careful with your story’s continuity and credibility.   

  1. PACING: 

You have effectively kept your story on the move with no lulls or boring episodes.  Good job!  The only exception to the good work you did was the overly long speeches.


I have previously mentioned under CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT that we have to believe that by the denouement of the story that ELISE and DAVID can now trust each other or they cannot have an enduring relationship, so I won’t belabor the point here.  You successfully brought them together in the end, but you have to make the reader believe that they are truly well-suited to one another and can share a happy future.     

  1. TONE: 

The reason that this aspect of script writing is mentioned in all of my analyses is that quite often writers do not maintain the tone that they start out with in a script. You, however, are completely consistent, and your tone is appropriate for a fun romantic comedy.    


Whenever I read a completed screenplay, I always try to make a determination as to whether it will sell in the current theatrical film, video or the TV markets. Here’s the rub with your particular script. To sell a theatrical, romantic comedy in today’s market you need to have a very high concept for your script along the lines of a RUNAWAY BRIDE, PRETTY WOMAN, HOW TO LOSE A MAN IN TEN DAYS or even the older movie, GREEN CARD. The concepts for those movies set them apart as unique stories rife with romance and humor. Your story is more in the realm of a video release or TV movie because it would not be considered high concept or unique enough to draw people into the movie theater. You should not take this as a dig against your script but rather a statement about the current movie market that is filled with “branded” material such as sequels to successful films from the past (PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES), comic book heroes (SPIDERMAN: HOMECOMING), film adaptations of successful TV series (WONDER WOMAN), popular book adaptations (HIDDEN FIGURES) and high-testosterone movies filled with action and special effects. There are some theatrical romances in the current marketplace (BEAUTY AND THE BEAST and the dark romance, MY COUSIN RACHEL), but you would be hard-pressed to find a romantic comedy in theaters. THE LOVERS with Debra Winger came out in early May and went straight to video shortly thereafter, as did PARIS CAN WAIT with Diane Lane and Alec Baldwin. There will, however, be a number made for or released on video this year (EVERYBODY LOVES SOMEBODY, THE WEDDING PLAN, etc.).  As a TV movie, your script would not fall within the budgets of the current romantic comedy outlets such as Hallmark, Lifetime or Pixl. Your script has a fairly large cast, too many locations (and specific ones such as the hotels in L.A., a country club golf course and a fantastic beachfront home all requiring costly location permits to use), and too many exteriors (they cost more to shoot due to possible inclement weather, crowd control and traffic control costs and extraneous noise from cars, overhead planes or birds which would have to addressed in post production). The theatrical movie market may change and studios may elect to go for romantic comedies, but if they do, they will have to be very high concept, packaged with meaningful stars to play the leading roles or based upon a bestseller book…all of which are “draws” for people to pay the movie ticket prices of today.  Therefore, your best shot for now is to aim for the straight-to-video market. But, you will find it very difficult to secure an agent or manager to represent you with a project that is destined for straight-to-video. So, I would highly recommend script marketing services such as InkTip or Virtual Pitchfest (VPF), both of which charge reasonable fees to expose your script. InkTip has the deepest and widest reach to people in the industry looking for their next project to produce, and VPF allows you to reach out to specific producers looking for romantic comedies to produce. You will have to create a log-line and one-page synopsis for InkTip or a logline and pitch paragraph for VPF. If you choose to contact producers or production companies directly yourself or try for an agent or manager to represent you, then you would need to write a query letter that would include your log-line and pitch paragraph. Of course, you can also choose to go the route of entering screenplay competitions to gain attention to your script, but most producers look to a short list of prestigious and somewhat prestigious competitions and those writers who placed highly in those competitions when looking for a screenplay or writer. Some highly respected competitions include The Nicholl’s Fellowship, Page International Screenwriting Competition, Austin Film Festival, Scriptapalooza, Slamdance, Blue Cat, and a few others. However, if you win smaller competitions, that can be meaningful as well. There is an extensive list of screenplay competitions listed on www.inktip.com, but you need to choose carefully among that list.        


I honestly was surprised by the number of formatting mistakes you made in this script because I expected that you would have read a couple of sample scripts or even consulted one of the many how-to books on screenwriting before attempting to write your own.  In addition to the format corrections that I made in red ink in your script, what follows is a list of some of the formatting errors that you made:

  1. You used improper margins for your slug lines (aka master scene headings or location settings), exposition, dialogue and on your headers and footers on a given page. It appeared that you were taking your formatting cues from plays as opposed to screenplays.

2. You will see that I have changed a number of your slug lines where you designate a specific location and the time of day.  Sometimes slug lines were completely missing (you often moved to a new location or even a room in a house and didn’t establish a slug line for that new scene).  Also, your slug lines were incorrectly indented, formatted or incomplete.  This information is crucial to budgeting, setting up a shooting schedule and to location managers who have to find locations.  

3. Slug lines for a location that appear more than once in your script must be identified in the exact same manner each time that location is used such as DAVID’S PATIO. I think once it was identified as the DEANGELIS PATIO and another time as DAVID’S POOL PATIO.

4. The spacing after a slug line and before the exposition should be two lines and not three.

5. You had some difficulties with formatting the introduction of characters. When characters first appear on screen, you should type their names all in caps in the exposition not within someone’s dialogue.  And, in the case of the major characters, a very short description is needed so the reader can form a picture in his or her mind.  An example would be ELISE’s character; I didn’t know that she was beautiful until many pages into your script.  And, I had no idea what David’s age was or what he was like.

6. You very often did not state that a character was in a given scene in the exposition before giving that character dialogue in that scene.  A couple of times you had a slug line followed immediately by dialogue without any exposition to set up who was in that scene or what they were doing.  Each slug line must be followed by exposition to set up the scene and who is in it BEFORE there is any dialogue.  And, once or twice you had a character speak in a scene, but you didn’t identify when they entered that scene.

7. When a character speaks dialogue and that dialogue is interrupted or split in two by exposition or a stage direction, then you must indicate that the speech is continuing by adding (CONT’D) or (cont’d).  Whether you choose all caps or lower case, be consistent with one throughout the entire script.

8. You must not constantly give stage directions to an actor as to how they should read their lines.  And, you must stop using (A beat) for the most part. You will see that I deleted most of them and only left very few for obvious reasons.  The only time you really should use a stage direction to an actor about his or her lines is when the character’s intent is not clear or when the line of dialogue can be misinterpreted.  For example, a line of dialogue can be said sweetly or sarcastically.  Overuse of stage directions for actors is the sign of an amateur writer which can turn off prospective buyers.  And, professional actors do not like to be instructed how to interpret a line or scene and neither does the director.

9. You often indicated actions for an actor within their dialogue such as (puts the menu down), when those actions should be part of the exposition and not appear in the dialogue.

10. This next note deals with page breaks. You must not separate a dialogue heading from the actual first line of dialogue by a page break.  Always make the dialogue heading and at least one line of the ensuing dialogue appear on the same page.  If they don’t fit on the bottom of a given page then move them to the top of the next page.  If it means a bigger footer on a page, so be it.  If you have a dialogue heading near the bottom of a page and one or two lines of dialogue can fit on that page but that character has more to say, then you go to the next page and re-type the dialogue heading such as ELISE (CONT’D) on the next page.  Similarly, if a slug line appears near the bottom of the page and you cannot type at least one line of exposition following that slug line before going on to the next page, then move the slug line and ensuing exposition to the top of the next page.    

11. With respect to telephone conversations in screenplays, they can be handled four ways: either by having one character on screen and the unseen person on the other end of the phone referred to with a (VO) for voice over; or, having the person on screen speak and the other end of the conversation is not spoken or heard; or, utilizing INTERCUT AS NEEDED so that we alternate each actor on screen as they speak; or, by using SPLIT SCREEN where both parties to the phone conversation are on a split screen at the same time.  Also, telephone conversations should be as short as possible and having back to back telephone conversations on screen should be even shorter.  

12. The use of (OS) for off screen or (OC) for off camera is when a character has dialogue in a given scene but is not seen in that scene.    

13. You didn’t use CUT TOs where needed, so I showed you their proper placement when they should be utilized.  Most times they don’t have to be utilized at all since your slug lines indicate a change to a new scene and venue.  However, CUT TOs are most often utilized when a scene ends abruptly before moving to the next scene or before a character finishes a line of dialogue in a given scene and you move to another scene or location.

14. You should be consistent in your spacing of lines that follow the end of a sentence; sometimes you used two spaces and other times single spaces. Choose one or the other and stick with it.

15. Ideally, your script shouldn’t really exceed 125 pages.

16. Before you approach a rewrite of your script, it is wise to read a couple sample scripts online first to better understand formatting.  Simply type “screenplays online free” in your search bar.

 17. After page one and starting with page 2, you need to number the pages of your script.


There were typos, misspelled words, missing words and punctuation mistakes in your script.  Having a lot of errors and formatting mistakes can severely hamper your persona as a professional writer.  It is always wise to give your script to someone who is a good editor before circulating it to agents, managers, actors you may want to interest in a role in your script, and, of course, potential buyers.  Hopefully, I have caught all your typos and errors, and you will see those fixes in red ink.


Please make note of all blue ink comments written within the pages of your script and many of the issues itemized in this analysis as many of them are suggestions for improving various facets of your script and story. Suggestions for improvement are just that. Hopefully, the suggestions will act as a catalyst to your creative thought processes and you will come up with better solutions to the issues I have raised.

I had one thought that might add a bit more visual humor to your script and that is since four of your men get beaten up in various ways in this story, you should emphasize that RYAN, DAVID, PAUL and then ROGER all show up at the engagement party with black eyes or bruised faces. And, someone like DANA or DANA’s father would have to make a remark or joke about it.  RYAN got his when he was under the car trying to fix it; DAVID and PAUL got theirs in the fight at the pub; and ROGER got his when ELISE slammed the door into him breaking his nose.


I already addressed this item under MARKETABILITY above.  To reiterate, your script would be an expensive movie to produce for TV and some video productions due to the large size of the cast with speaking roles, numerous locations, quite a lot of exteriors and predominant use of Los Angeles venues.  Because your script is Los Angeles specific for the most part, it would be very difficult for the production of the picture to take place in Canada or Mexico where production costs are much cheaper or to take place in states like North Carolina, New Mexico or Nevada which offer money-saving tax incentives to shoot there.     


The female stars of this picture could be Natalie Portman, Jennifer Lawrence, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Emma Stone, Olivia Wilde or Mila Kunis, to name a few. The male stars of this movie would be young, good looking men ala Ryan Philippe, Channing Tatum, Chris Pine or Chris Hemsworth. All these female or male actors would be considered good casting, but none of them would have enough star power to “trigger” a picture. So trying to package your script with a star to try to sell the script would not be a way for you to go. You need a producer or production company to fall in love with the script who would then try to sell it to a financing entity or distributor or try to package it first with a director who is sexy to a financing entity or distributor. So the script will have to sell initially on its own merits, and that means that you need to invest the time necessary to make it as professional and commercial as possible.

  1. TITLE:

I think BLIND BET works perfectly well as a working title for your script. 

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I thank you, John, for the opportunity to work with you on your script, and I am hopeful that your project will be realized on screen and bring you much success.

 Stephanie Rogers

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